Judd Matsunaga
Respect for the elderly is deeply rooted in Japanese culture. In Japan, it is viewed as something all children should have. However, third, fourth and fifth generations of Japanese Americans, most of whom don’t even speak Japanese, have a much more diluted sense of respect for the elderly. This is a very touchy subject, but it needs to be addressed.
I see it all the time — an adult child yelling at, scolding or reprimanding their elderly parent. I understand that the adult child is acting out of a desire to help, especially after a medical diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer’s. However, while the adult child begins with the best of intentions, the strains of a “role reversal” can start to cause dysfunction in the relationship.
Little children will often play house, pretending to be the parent. That’s perfectly fine when they’re little. But adult children playing “parent” to their elderly parent, i.e., “role reversal,” is never right and doesn’t work. When our parents age, mutual respect and honor should remain (source: www.sageminder.com, “Role Reversal With an Aging Parent,” Jan. 14, 2024).
Adult children caregivers must never forget that there is a major difference between caring for elderly parents and children. Children are just learning — one day, they will grow out of their dependency. Elderly parents, however, are suffering enormous losses, of which they are keenly aware. They are not going to learn, adapt or “grow out of it.” Instead, they will continue to decline and gradually lose their independence.
When our parents age, mutual respect and honor should remain. Preserving an elder’s dignity, independence and sense of control as much as safely possible should be a priority for caregivers (source:www.agingcare.com, “How Role Reversal Skew Your Thoughts,” Carol Bradley Bursack; www.sageminder.com, “Role Reversal With an Aging Parent,” Jan. 14, 2024).
An adult child’s role, therefore, is not to “parent” the parent, but rather help the parent deal effectively with the changes that age brings. Obviously, when there are extreme mental limitations, it is very difficult to not become parental. But, if your parent is functioning cognitively, there is no real reason to take on a parenting role.
The parent’s role is not to become dependent. Caregivers should never do something for someone that he or she can and should be doing for themself. An elderly parent will stay stronger if we allow him or her to do as much as they can. When they can’t do it, parents need to acknowledge when help is needed. Then, the adult child can step in, e.g., ask or pay others to help.
That doesn’t mean that things stay the same. Ideally, by adulthood, most of us “children” have grown up enough that we are on some kind of level playing field with our parents by our early 20s. This means that parents and children should ideally honor and respect each other in the same way they would their own peers. In a healthy parent/adult-child relationship, no one feels obligated to fulfill basic adult obligations for each other.
Aging, however, comes with some declines that make this mutual “peer” relationship difficult. The reality is, our parents may need us in ways that are very new to us. The key to handling these changes is acceptance and honesty on both sides and good communication. The adult child needs to be able to speak honestly and frankly about the concerns he or she has related to the parent’s health or situation.
The elderly parent also needs to accept new limitations as they come and be able to ask honestly and clearly for help when needed because sometimes, both parent and child do not notice the gradual changes taking place.
The best thing to do is to assess the situation together or look for warning signs to determine if you’re in an “unhealthy” parent-child role: (1) You feel guilty if you are not doing what they want you to do; (2) You feel incapable of saying no to requests; (3) You feel controlled and judged; and (4) You are not taking responsibility for your own finances or other adult responsibilities, e.g., acting as wife for your husband.
It is important to remember that if you have not established a healthy peer or same adult-level relationship with your parent thus far, it will not get better as they age. Consider what you need to do to fully separate as an adult and take full responsibility for your choices and your own life.
One area many adult children get stuck in is approval. If adult children are still making decisions related to their parents to garner their approval, they have not fully separated in a healthy way. We all want to be liked and approved — but if you find yourself making certain types of decisions only because you cannot bear the disapproval of a parent, it is time to become more independent and take full responsibility for your own affairs.
All relationships change over time. The key is to acknowledge the changes and adapt. The best attitudes to have to help with this process are acceptance, honesty and faith in one another. If you start to feel strain about how you are relating to an aging parent, it may be wise to talk with others about it. Your siblings may be a great resource as they may have similar concerns; but sometimes, a person outside of the family — like a friend or a counselor — can help sort out where your boundaries should be.
In conclusion, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Your parent may need more support and one-on-one care than you can provide. They may benefit from getting to interact with another friendly face. You may not be able to find time in your schedule to be with your parents as often as you’d like.
In all of these cases, your loved one could benefit from the help of a professional caregiver service. Professional caregivers can assist with many different aspects of caring for your elderly loved ones, from providing transportation services to assisting with housekeeping and meal preparation to helping with ADLs, like grooming or bathing.
Finally, here’s the most important part — don’t let the responsibilities of caregiving get in the way of you experiencing life together, as a family. Remember to go out, share meals, watch movies, talk about old times and have a relationship with your elderly parent beyond providing care. Trust, love and respect are often built on these mutual experiences.
Judd Matsunaga is the founding attorney of Elder Law Services of California, a law firm that specializes in Medi-Cal Planning, Estate Planning and Probate. He can be contacted at (310) 348-2995 or judd@elderlawcalifornia.com. The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the view of the Pacific Citizen or constitute legal or tax advice and should not be treated as such.
